Wednesday, July 3, 2013

An Ode to the Unconscious

Like many (TASTEFUL) video game nerds, I buried an astonishing amount of time into "Deus Ex: Human Revolution."

The game is fantastic, but anyone can tell you that. I want to focus on a specific facet of the game and many stealth games before it: the dudes you knock unconscious. Honestly, there are few sensations in gaming that can top "hiding a bunch of unconscious and/or dead soldiers in air vents."

DX: HR does a great job of giving you an idea of the worlds you're infiltrating, but I couldn't help but think:

"Man, I'd love to see what happens when those conked-out dudes wake up."

Can you imagine the confusion one would feel when you're working your shitty patrol job (you know those guys are paid peanuts, or else they'd be way better at their jobs) and the next thing you know, you're knocked out cold - if you're lucky - and you probably have a concussion and/or broken bones to boot?

You'd be pretty miffed, too, if you had to deal with the latest Gravely Voiced Stealth Protagonist.

(C'mon Jensen, I'm a goddamned pencil-pusher.)

(You know Snake's breath must just smell like murder. Screen from this vid.)

You know, there really needs to be a mercenary union. Those guys are the invisible Seaus.

Anyway, a greater portal into these soldiers' lives would be fun.

Wouldn't it be a blast to see a little cutscene of some of these soliders regaining consciousness inside an air vent? What about an accountant coming back from vacation to find some random Special Ops sap coming to with a log of shit in his pants? A cleaning guy notices a strange smell in a closet and some dope comes tumbling out the instant he opens the door.

I'd feel especially bad for the garbage men who find all the bodies that Agent Who Gives a Fuck hides in the "Hitman" games.

(Knocking out the help? That's kind of fucked ... via Non Fiction Gaming)

If nothing else, it would be cool to get a little back story on these guards you're flawlessly/sloppily dismembering and/or concussing. Would you feel bad about breaking 'ol Steve the Unobservant Security Guard's neck if you realize that his kids are one missed mortgage payment away from being on the streets? Perhaps that AI you're casually sneaking beyond will get fired by that dick villain you're about to face. At minimum, you should find the occasional wallet that says Bad Motherfucker on it.

Aside: Come to think of it, it could even be fun to play as the soldier who just gets humiliated by some Super Spy. Think of it as "The Baxter" of video games.

One of the big gameplay components could involve running teenage skateboarders down in a mall parking lot while grappling with post-concussion syndrome. Next-gen!

Chances are, it would be funnier than Paul Blart and somehow not as dark as "Observe and Report" ...

Extinct: And Deservedly So! - The Javan Tiger (by a Wild Boar)

Welcome to the first edition of Extinct: And Deservedly So!, where OMA features a guest animal author celebrating the demise of one of its predators. (Dark, we know.)

Today's piece is from the archives: Willy the Wild Boar dances on the grave of Javan Tigers in 1979.

(Research based on this list and Wikipedia. Because #science.)

Howdy readers, this is your guest author Willy the Boar. Please note that I do not like being called a fucking pig, OK? Let's set the goddamn record straight on that. *Snort*

Anyway, today I'd like to solemnly - *snicker* - I'm sorry, I'm deeply upset about the - heh ...

... Oh, who am I kidding. I'd like to present a celebratory roll in filth to the demise of those good-for-nothing douchebag Javan tigers, who recently went in extinct. Good riddance, you lousy, sharp-toothed fuck-faces.

Here's a photo of one of those dipshits in the only place they deserve to be other than out of the fucking food chain altogether: prison.

(Photo also via Wikimedia Commons. Amazingly, these irrelevant pussies have been documented. *Farts*)

Here's a summary of the Java Tiger by Listverse's Jamie Frater, with my own observations and reactions injected along the way:

Javan Tigers were a subspecies of tigers which were limited to the Indonesian island of Java. In the early 19th century Javan tigers were so common, that in some areas they were considered nothing more than pests. 

Wait, so there were places that welcomed them? I call bullshit.

As the human population increased, large parts of the island were cultivated, leading to a severe reduction of their natural habitat. Wherever man moved in, the Javan tigers were ruthlessly hunted down or poisoned. 

Hold on, let me crouch behind a bush to hide my boar-boner.

Natives carried much of the hunting out, a surprising thing since they considered the tiger a reincarnation of their dead relatives. The last specimen to have been seen was sighted in 1972, although there is evidence from track counts that the animal had lingered into the 1980’s. The last track counts to yield evidence of the tigers was held in 1979, when just three tigers were identified. The leading cause of their extinction was agricultural encroachment and habitat loss, which continues to be a serious concern in Java.

Possible alternate cause: they were huge dickbags.

Anyway, glad those shitheads are all gone. Now, can someone stop those leopards from eating my kids? Fucking sociopaths.

Editor's Note: Willy the Boar was eaten by a crocodile in 1982. His last words were believed to be, "More like Cockodile. Right guys?" And then gurgling and screaming.