Today's piece is from the archives: Willy the Wild Boar dances on the grave of Javan Tigers in 1979.
(Research based on this list and Wikipedia. Because #science.)
(via Wikimedia commons)
Howdy readers, this is your guest author Willy the Boar. Please note that I do not like being called a fucking pig, OK? Let's set the goddamn record straight on that. *Snort*
Anyway, today I'd like to solemnly - *snicker* - I'm sorry, I'm deeply upset about the - heh ...
... Oh, who am I kidding. I'd like to present a celebratory roll in filth to the demise of those good-for-nothing douchebag Javan tigers, who recently went in extinct. Good riddance, you lousy, sharp-toothed fuck-faces.
Here's a photo of one of those dipshits in the only place they deserve to be other than out of the fucking food chain altogether: prison.
also via Wikimedia Commons. Amazingly, these irrelevant pussies have been documented. *Farts*)
Here's a summary of the Java Tiger by Listverse's Jamie Frater, with my own observations and reactions injected along the way:
Javan Tigers were a subspecies of tigers which were limited to the Indonesian island of Java. In the early 19th century Javan tigers were so common, that in some areas they were considered nothing more than pests.
Wait, so there were places that welcomed them? I call bullshit.
As the human population increased, large parts of the island were cultivated, leading to a severe reduction of their natural habitat. Wherever man moved in, the Javan tigers were ruthlessly hunted down or poisoned.
Hold on, let me crouch behind a bush to hide my boar-boner.
Natives carried much of the hunting out, a surprising thing since they considered the tiger a reincarnation of their dead relatives. The last specimen to have been seen was sighted in 1972, although there is evidence from track counts that the animal had lingered into the 1980’s. The last track counts to yield evidence of the tigers was held in 1979, when just three tigers were identified. The leading cause of their extinction was agricultural encroachment and habitat loss, which continues to be a serious concern in Java.
Possible alternate cause: they were huge dickbags.
Anyway, glad those shitheads are all gone. Now, can someone stop those leopards from eating my kids? Fucking sociopaths.
Editor's Note: Willy the Boar was eaten by a crocodile in 1982. His last words were believed to be, "More like Cockodile. Right guys?" And then gurgling and screaming.